Fantasizing Freedom

As I walk by

The feeling of freedom although

My hip hurts

My throat itches

My shoe hurts my toes

And yet the cold humid weather makes me feel like heaven.

Struggling with issues often caused by me

Learning to live normal after faking it

Learning to stop my tears

That once drenched my face 

And made it puff up

Living your day with screams

Cause you aren't good enough

Being able to recognize that- that's the truth

Being hard on yourself cause of body image issues

Worried about tomorrow

Uncertain about the future

Glancing at the guy I like

Knowing he'd never be my reality

I'm used to this life

Having bad destiny's

And yet this is much better than my worst

Cause my worsts feel like I'll probably jump off 

Knowing that I don't trust myself

Cause I've already lived these imaginations

And I know  that's what's left for me

The fear of letting down these feelings 

Cause actually I'm alright

Other's have it worse

Fear of everything

Missing my happiness my life

And as I walk by

The feeling of freedom although

My hip hurts

My throat itches

My shoe hurts my toes

And yet the cold humid weather makes me feel like heaven.

Manuela.R.Fernandes💗

Shallow love

As she stares at the guy she likes
Realizing he took over her mind
that he probably doesn’t understand why her eyes shined
Or why she was all of a sudden so kind
He didn’t follow her interpretations through her eyes
Or her smile in her goodbyes.

And as he stares back motionless
And he's eyes meet her's
She senses some tension
While he stands emotionless

And now all he seems is hollow
Just her fantasizing a heart that's shallow

Well He's got the looks,he's got the height
He's got the voice,he's got the light(limelight)
Yet he sits in place that's far behind
and chooses to not mix around
In the midst of chaos he's drowned

If she could ever trade bodies it would be with him
Cause she wondered how it felt to be in that body
To find out if he's really insecure or confident
Whether he's really reserved or outgoing
To reveal secrets of a person who to her was a mystery
So she could sum up her story.


And then as she pondered over those thoughts she sensed a feeling of wanting to be desired
The same way as she desired him
Mentally she was insecure and drained -she was tired
For the longest she'd known he was different he had all that she didn't and she- all that he was missing

Did she like him because he was the perfect candidate to who she wished to be?

Cause she'd known none about he's personality
Everything was merely attraction based
He was a distraction to her reality
Every hope was to wish he was as perfect as she wanted him to be
Blinded by these fantasies she was afraid to dwell upon her feelings and ask him
Who he really was or just find out
Afraid he'll hate her ….what if he somehow finds out
She'd fall off from her cloud

He was someone she barely knew about
Yet she spent everyday changing herself so she could possibly impress him
she spent every moment of her life longing to be noticed by someone who didn't possibly care about her existance
Her sorrows ,happiness or brilliance

And as she drew few conclusions
She realised
Her feeling of being undesired
Wasn't s he's attitude towards her
Its was all acquired
through her perception
that it was a problem that couldn't be solved unless she fixed her perceptions of who she thought she was
Maybe she was desired as much as him by someone who genuinely loved her
And maybe she is so dwelt in this world of fantasy that she's losing people who really made her feel like she existed
And maybe you’re her!

Manuela.R.Fernandes💜